Well, swab my poop-deck, tie me to the mainmast and lash me wit’ a cat o’ nine tails! If it ain’t the annual “Talk Like A Pirate Day” on Saturday the 19th. I am usually hung-over, drunk and totally forget. But, not this year, matey! I think I’ll head down to the river, in my van, which I will decorate with pirate regalia. I’ll find some seamen, eat some Arrrrrby’s and drink me some rum. Then, I’ll scare some little children and pass out on a park bench. (But, then again, that’s what I do every Saturday!)

You’ve got two weeks to get yer act together!

This came out a year ago, following the infamous hunting trip where The Dick gave his friend a face full of buckshot. The video is staged (no real children were hurt during the filming) and does not include the real VP. The White House wasn’t involved. I’m not defending the VP, he was still a dumbass for shooting his friend in the face. You shouldn’t give old people guns, cars or secret launch codes for thermonuclear weapons!

It is basketball season, and everyone is talking about sports again instead of doing work. What’s up with guys and sports? I like a good match-up here and there, but I am not obsessed with it. I do not memorize statistics about sweaty strangers who like to pass balls up and down the court. I don’t mind basketball, just like I don’t mind hockey or golf. I don’t despise it like I do baseball. God, I mentioned that word! I forgot that is coming up. I think one co-worker is spending this week (the kids get spring break this week, so everyone from work figures that means THEY can up and take vacation)… he is spending this week at spring training for the Cubs in Florida. Ouch!

My theory is that many men like other men, more men than you might think. They really want to “look” in the locker room. They “like” showering with other men, and patting them on the butts. Men who like other men love to talk about sports. They love watching sweaty men compete and their heart rates jump when they accidentally touch one another.

Talking about sports, especially at work is a way to convince other men that they are straight, when in fact anyone who obsesses on other men like this is clearly gay. I don’t mean this in the “I am happy” way, but in the sweaty, agressive, man-sex way. Baseball fans even more-so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, let’s just keep the locker room discussions out of the workplace. It cuts into my nap-time, between classes.

Did you subscribe to Sports Illustrated instead of Teen Beat when you were an overly-hormonal teen, because you couldn’t come out of the closet? Talk about your heartthrob, who takes steroids, somewhere else. Maybe at a sports bar (secretly, this would make sports bars “gay bars”.) Have you noticed everyone at a sports bar smokes? This is because they really want a penis in their mouth. OK, I could have said that better – they have an oral fixation. But, is that to be expected when they watch muscular, sweaty men wrestle and fight on TV? Like gladiators or Greco-Roman wrestlers… not that Greeks were gay, or anything. Just like Greek frat-boys aren’t closet homosexuals. I’d never call them that. Heck, people can do anything they like with a paddle and rope in the privacy of their own state-school funded frat-house basement. (Don’t most frat-boys love sports and play sports?)

Not that there’s anything WRONG with that!

Steve Jobs announced two new Apple products, from a pod-shaped cocoon floating in the East Indian Ocean this week.

The iShoe

The iBoombox

This gentleman seems to be almost as much of an audiophile as Mr. Jobs. Isn’t it silly that people would get so worked up over a fake picture of a new iPod? It just goes to show how easily rumors can be started.

Of course, we all realize that most everything requires time and money these days. Girls, especially so. (Thus spake the good Doctor)

Dr. Grouchy’s sources have uncovered that NASA is working on mating a Boeing 747 with a Space Shuttle, in hopes of breeding the next generation “Space Plane.”

God not only denies any affiliation with Pat Robertson, he might just need to come down from that cave he hides in and kick some televangelist hiney! http://swiftreport.blogs.com/news/2005/11/god_denies_link.html

This Halloween, Mel Gibson has decided to dress as Saddam Hussein, against the warnings of his agent. Mr. Gibson will be taking his twelve children from house-to-house, on Monday night. While Halloween is not celebrated as widely in Australia, Gibson’s native land across the sea, most Australians dress up throughout the year as cowboys and transvestites. (At least that is the impression I got from watching “Crocodile Dundee” and “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”) I also heard they believe in Leprechauns and midgets.

Mr Gibson plans on handing out copies of the bible he wrote, while on hiatus this past year. It is questionable how well that will work, dressed as a deposed dictator, responsible for gassing his own people.

“It was either this, or Hitler,” said Gibson. “And, most people haven’t gotten over the whole Holocaust thing, so I went with Hussein. I think it was a good choice.”

This reporter has also learned that they do not have candy corn in Australia, although they do have a tasty eucalyptus treat, deep fried in wombat fat.

I have a friend who works for a tractor company. Whatever they grow on that farm, I want me some!