OK. It’s Sunday morning, and I just finished preaching for quarters down by the riverboat casino. My sermon today covered some of my favorite topics: “Fear The Wrath of God, Or He’ll Smite Thee,” “Building The Case for More Torture,” “Americans are Too Mushy, Stiffen That Upper Lip” and “Gays Should Just Go Back In The Closet… Just As Long As It Isn’t mine!” That all went well, and I raised enough to cover my “Moons Over My Hammy” at Denny’s. Too bad for the waitress, I didn’t have quite enough to leave her a tip.

I’m back in the park in my van, across from the elementary school. (This is where the police ran me off on Halloween. Damn those sex offender laws!) Anyhow, I’m watching TV and a rerun of Star Trek: Enterprise comes on. I thought it was an episode of Quantum Leap at first, but the gay theme song gave it away. This is why “Enterprise” was cancelled, not poor writing or a lack of slutty green alien wenches. It is the kind of theme song you’d expect in a 1970s “family drama” starring Wilfred Brimley. I guess even gay folk-rock guitar players love the Star Trek franchise.

So, while I have the music muted on the TV, I happen to type ‘Star Trek’ into the Amazon.com search engine and come across this. If some rich Trekkie buys this set, will they have to keep the episodes of Enterprise and all the even numbered movies in the closet?

Is this what they transported to the planet Omega III in Futurama Season 4 Episode 12?

Oh well, there’s a hot blue Andorian chick kicking ass in a skimpy space suit, so let me finish and free up my typing hand. And, look what else I found on the Internet. I guess Enterprise isn’t all that gay, just the theme song.

Hey, man, happy b-day!

What? You’re only 6009 years young? Good for you.

Just a suggestion, and I only say this as a friend, but you might want to cut back on the drinking and partying. You’re looking a lot older that it says on your driver’s license. You’ve got that male pattern balding going on up top, too.

Oh, sure. You’re probably right. It’s probably those pesky humans. Yep, greenhouse effect.

Well, that can’t account for ALL the aging. I mean, look at your sedimentary layers. You don’t just put that on overnight! You must have been packing it on for, say four and a half billion years? I’m just guessing. Your atmosphere is heavy in oxygen, you’ve developed continental drift and you’re pretty much infested with a diversity of life that is unheard of on such a young planet.

And, then there’s a matter of the fossil record. It suggests that all the creatures on the planet share very similar DNA, and came from common simple origins in the early oceans. That seems like a beautiful story. God created the Universe, and after about 9 billion years, you were born. Then life developed over another 4.5 billion years, as the fossil record and other evidence suggest. Beautiful, really beautiful.

Oh. That disagrees with what God told a guy to tell another guy, and so on, and eventually write in a book, that was later heavily edited and translated. And, faith is based on the literal details given in this book, not because people couldn’t understand more complicated explanations, but because it was the TRUTH and DIVINE. People need to believe, even in the absence of proof, or when the evidence is contradictory.

Ah. Of course, God made you that way to test the humans. I understand. So that someday, when they developed science and radioactive carbon dating they’d be fooled into thinking you were older than you are. I see. Was this so you could get into bars or something? Maybe hang out with the older planets?

No? It was so even scientists could get into heaven. Wow! That is really cool of God and all. If it weren’t for this kind of deception, then scientists would be eternally damned to keep retaking Freshman chemistry in purgatory for eternity. That would really suck. This gives scientists a choice, so they can choose faith over evidence. So, now everyone goes to heaven, right?

No, again? Well, what happens to everyone who can’t get past the facts and have faith in the literal interpretation of that book? Hell, right, of course. So, how many humans will actually get to see heaven? Twelve? Gee, that doesn’t seem fair. Why would a God capable of creating the Universe in all its glory, and who invented the laws of physics, then be sneaky to fool humans, which he (or she) created? Isn’t it hubris to think a divine being, who is omnipotent and omnipresent, would behave in a sneaky way like some flawed human? With hidden motives, vengeance and the vanity to punish those who don’t worship him and call him once a week?

Faith? You said that before. You’re repeating yourself. What do you mean, science is just a theory? What does that have to do with anything? Wait. You’re attacking me. What do you mean, I’m not being open minded? Look, I just asked a couple questions. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up. I think you’re quaking, dude. Get a grip.

Well, I’m going now. You have a good birthday. And, seriously, cut back on the drinking.

It appears that Mr. William Bennett, former Secretary of Education and currently a syndicated talk show host, has offended many people by commenting that crime would drop if we aborted black babies. I don’t exactly know who he was including in “we” but that really doesn’t matter. I suspect that he was not formulating an actual plan, although I myself have advocated dumping tons of RU-486 into the water supply of developing nations, urban centers and France. I suspect instead that he was stating an obvious fact, which is a majority of prisoners happen to be of the African American persuasion. While it may be statistically correct, it seems many feel this was inappropriate in the extreme.

Bennett is under fire for saying Wednesday that “you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.” He followed this by adding that such a thing would be “an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do.”

In order to make the most of this situation, Mr. Bennett is now going to be a spokesman for “T-Shirt Hell”.

I was reading the esteemed opinions of those interviewed by The Onion, regarding the split of the Teamsters and the SEIU from the AFL-CIO, and it seems to me about time to get rid of unions, period. We either have good laws and fair labor practices in the good ol’ US of A, or we don’t. I have to hold two or three jobs at any time, just to pay the loan shark for the loan against my van and so I can send alimony to my ex-wives! Geesh! If you go to school and get an education, then you have skills to earn more than minimum wage. If you are a stupid blonde, too busy drinking and screwing, then you deserve your job at the mall. In fact, the mall may be too good for you, baby! Why not capitalize on what you’re good at and become a professional surrogate mother? (Just don’t tell Mr. and Mrs. Jones that you were drunk for 8 months of the pregnancy! That might change the way they think of their “special” new baby.)

And, to be fair to the failed high school jock who beats his wife when he drinks and realizes how society is to blame for all the bad decisions he made, do you really think that some company should pay you high wages to drive a forklift, and give you a lifetime guaranteed job? Get real! You are worthless to society, and your family hates you. Do us all a favor and step out into traffic.

I am sick of protectionist, isolationist idiots who think America can compete anymore. Union labor doesn’t produce better goods, just more expensive crap. And, don’t get me wrong. There are engineers and firemen and teachers who do a great job. But, they should earn their job, and keep it by consistantly doing a good job… not because some union will use its’ muscle to keep their members employed through collective threatening. I lose jobs all the time. I basically suck as an employee. I deserve to be fired when I come to work in my bathing suit, smelling of Jack Daniels! Maybe I should start a union of drunk, crazy fuckers who live in vans down by the river! I’m sure we’d all benefit from that!

Geesh! Unions are an antiquated artifact, left over from the robber baron days. Americans may deserve some improved labor regulations, revised standards and practices, but forcing someone to join a union to work at the 7-11 is crazy. And, I know crazy! If you love Unions so much, why don’t you and Unions get a room! In fact, why don’t you go to some third-world nation, or China, and start up a union for children who work in some Nike factory making the jogging shoes that you just “had to have?” If we remain a scared, childish, protectionist nation, then we only hurt ourselves. It hurts our economy to increase tarrifs unilaterally. We cannot affect change globally by threatening trade barriers. We need to find a way to raise the quality of life for people around the world. Then, if the programmer in India is better and cheaper, but he is being treated fairly and his pay is reasonable where he lives, then hire him. I don’t care. People in the good ol’ US of A need to learn NEW skills, and not just expect the world to hire them based on some certificate they earned in 1972. YOU have the responsibility of doing what it takes to keep yourself gainfully employed! Look up the word accountibility in the dictionary. Try pulling up your pants, and putting down the Boone’s Farm for a change. Use the restroom at the corner Texaco and clean yourself up and interview for a new job. Nobody owes you a job. Life ain’t supposed to be easy, and it sure as Hell ain’t fair.

OK. How many of you have ever been in an airport and seen someone with a rolling suitcase? Within reason, I have no problem with this. But, lately this has gotten out of hand!!

I recently took a sojourn through some major US airports. In order to qualify for my super-saver rate, I had to fly through Atlanta, Chicago and Minneapolis, as well as Phoenix, on my way to Detroit last week. I therefore had an opportunity to watch other travellers scuttle back and forth from one gate to the next. Across the board, I have discovered that everyone has wheels on their bags and they just “drag” their luggage around the airports! What a bunch of lazy monkeys!!

Here are some examples of the kind of carts you see people “rolling” around the airport with. They aren’t just the heavy bags, but bookbags, laptop bags, and tiny suitcases. Why walk through the terminal, looking all gay and stuff with a womanly little pettite bag at the end of a stick, when you could JUST CARY THE FUCKING THING!! It weighs how much? Five or Ten pounds? You are THE BIGGEST WUSS ON THE PLANET!!! The whole fucking point of a laptop, is that it is light enough to cary around conveniently. I even accept the hippies who carry their bags like a big purse with a shoulder strap, but come on…. ROLLING IT??? What is up with that?

Rolling carts were designed for HEAVY LOADS, like multiple suitcases, or even a really heavy suitcase. Does Dr. Grouchy ever use a rolling suitcase? Yes… But, I have never used the wheels to roll it. I refuse to. I even tore the wheels off my bag so the lazy baggage handlers couldn’t roll it. Let’s face it, Dr. Grouchy is no pussy. He hefts his luggage, and struts proudly across the terminal with it. Last week, I had two large bags to carry and a hanging bag. I CARRIED them all, and refused any assistance. After all, I was only going from the Bus Stop about a quarter of a mile. And… each of my bags weighed between 60 and 80 pounds, mind you. Here are some examples of suitcases I have packed in the past. You see that sometimes I have quite heavy loads to carry.

So, I plead with the American Public NOT to use the rolling carts in town, or at work to carry light loads. If you are not some kind of a cripple, pick the damn thing up and carry it the proper way. PUH-LEESE!

Most of what I do seems to amount to ranting and raving. Well, let me start off this week with an apology to the Brucia family in Florida. When I wrote about the Mormon who abducted the 11-year old girl, I did not yet know of her fate. Police have since captured the suspect, no doubt with the help of my posting the culprit’s visage on my website. If he indeed killed the little girl, hanging him by his balls and feeding him to small sharks, while simultaneously covering him in honey and letting African Killer bees swarm on him would be too kind.

There’s not much new in the news this week. I often search the web, far-and-wide, for the special sort of news and gossip that my readers seek so desperately. You’ve probably grown tired of the Janet Jackson Boob Scandal. And, you’ve probably already seen the shot of Miss Piggy baring pork-flesh in an attempt to capitalize on the brouhaha…

Of course, today is Valentine’s Day. As you can see, even Google is getting into the act. (No, not Booble, though that’s an easy mistake to make!)

A disgusting display of crass-commercialism. This is a holiday wasted on the young and you have two types of people that fall for it. The same morons who buy into the gift and greeting card craze for EVERY holiday that comes along. And there are quite a few! And the other type of person is the mushy, tree-hugging romantic that feels the need to show wanton public displays of affection with their love on the subway, or across from Dr. Grouchy when he’s trying to eat his Big Mac in peace and quiet. Put your tounge back in your own mouth and stop it. Now!

Maybe it’s the fact that Dr. Grouchy isn’t quite the ladies man you may expect him to be. It’s of my own choosing, mind you. I think it is all silly. If a man really wants a woman, he’ll pay for it, just like my father did, and his father before him. (We can assume, because he never knew his father.) Anyway, the point is, stop believing that you have to buy roses
and diamonds and just do something you enjoy and be a good person, or the best you can be, year round. Not when the person that you never speak to at the office… who always brings in balloons for birthdays, and who feels like scheduling group hugs, or who pries into your personal life and asks, “How are you doing today?” When that person gives you and every other person in the office a little Valentine’s Day card. You don’t have to buy
into it. Even if you might have thought that it was from a secret admirer, and you got a little flushed and excited, until you opened the card and saw that it was the same thing the guy who works next to you and picks his nose and never washes his hair got.

That’s right. Don’t be a sucker. It’s all just a ploy to get your money. I’m sure that there’s some Greeting Card King sitting in his fancy house, counting his money and laughing that someone fooled you into thinking that someone could ever love someone like you. Plus, the over-commercialization stuff I said. Well, I see by my redneck Palm Pilot, that I have to go and get drunk before my Valentine’s date tonight. I’d better remember to stop by the ATM and take out some cash too, and get it changed into singles….

I am flabbergasted that an ex-antiestablishmentarianist like John Kerry would call into question President Bush’s military record. What are these campaigns coming to? Must the mud slinging begin so far from the true election? Have we already finished with all the mud slinging amongst the Democrats themselves and now have to turn to lambaste our Commander-in-Chief?

President “W” is a man of simple character and wisdom and has proven himself in the many times he faced death by flying to Iraq in the middle of the night on Air Force One. There’s not a lot of proof, because he did all this at night and kept it hush hush, but it happened. I know that he personally led troops against some of the most fierce combatants in the region. In Afghanistan alone, he searched many caves and turned over many rocks looking for Osama bin Laden. [As you can see by the image, he was only successful in finding his cousin, Kenny.] He’s gone up to Capitol Hill a number of times, unsupervised and unchaparoned, and been ambushed by any number of Liberals, and come away unscathed. And, that’s nothing compared to the time that Laura caught George and their neighbor Larry installing free cable in the Whitehouse. [more]

So, “dub”, who is an old buddy of mine from when I was workin’ the mess hall down for the National Guard in Alabama. “Dub” always cleaned his plate. Never got to know him socially, but then again, Dr. Grouchy was only there for a few weeks before the CIA some agency recruited him to fly missions in Southeast Asia. So, while “Dub” and yours truly were serving our country as patriots, most of those Democrats were spouting off about how bad the war was and how people should desert and run away to Canada! [Don’t get me started on the Canadians!] Plus, there was that time that John Kerry went AWOL that no one knows about! He got a weekend pass and became a roadie for Jane Fonda. [Although he eventually went back and finished the war, which was probably a good thing. But the point is, he didn’t kill Hanoi Jane Fonda when he had a chance. Just like Bush Sr. didn’t kill ol’ Saddam when he could have back in the Gulf War!]

Dr. Grouchy is putting his foot down! Enough is enough. If you want to call out Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D., he’ll break out a can of 30-year-old millitary-issue Whoop-Ass, and start some hardcore research on the Internet and set the record straight! Blah, Blah, and moreover Blah…

Visit the Snopes urban legends website to see the proof that John Kerry was stalking Jane Fonda back in ‘Nam. I don’t make this stuff up, boys and girls [*Note: We used to have a funny little picture here, but now we are forced to link to the John Kerry urban legend page on Snopes.com, because some annoying photographer bitched and moaned until I got sick of him!]

Well, I decided to give “real news” a try and listen folks, it sucks! It is all too depressing. Floods are due out East. People are dying in Iraq. All is not the Peace and Prosperity that the Super Bowl Half-time commercials may have lead you to believe!

There was an 11-year old girl abducted this week in Florida, and it was recorded on video. That has led authorities to believe that Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion, was the abductor. It only goes to show that these cults are getting out of hand. I searched for this guy on the Internet and even included a picture, in case you spot this guy on the Turnpike. A sad state of affairs. I have several daughters myself. I haven’t met them, but I hear I have some from my travels… and they’re probably nice and good lookers too if they take after their old man… So, my best wishes go out to the girl and her family.

With the weather this week freezing and flooding, I can’t decide if I believe in Global Warming or the New Ice Age theory. On top of that, the football season is over, and it’s very gray and depressing out. However, I am sitting here, working on my G3 laptop, and preparing for my class on “Theater Criticism in Boroque Europe” that I teach at Uncle Bennie’s School of Cosmotology, Auto Repair and Animal Husbandry. So, I’ve got that going for me. And, in case you care, my groin is feeling much better. Thank you!

Check out John’s Rant on “Why PCs are for Sissies, and Real Men Use Macs” on Null Session. Give ’em Hell, buddy! You ain’t never gonna catch me wearing a suit and typing my class notes on a Pee Cee! Dr. Grouchy is no company-man, he’s a free spirit…. Well, I’ve gotta move the van, looks like the cops are checking me out. Later!

The good doctor has been spending all his time scouring the Internet for News. He’s found lots of junks about “Martian Brain Surgery” and “The War on Terrorism” and “Those Wacky Democrats”, and, of course, kidnappings, natural disasters and “The Oscars”… But, the only important news story in America is: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show.

Dr. Grouchy feels there should be a greater sensitivity regarding the nipple-incident. Truly, this can be an awakening in America! Let’s if we can all try to be more boob-conscious, as we rebuild and recover from this Shock and Awe! As you sit at Hooters waiting to be served, take a moment to work some of these catchy phrases into your conversation with your trucker buddies:

Let’s leave it at that. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the Tip of the Iceburg… but, I feel I have a responsibility to keep you, the public, exposed to the really important news. That’s right, News about Celebrities! Not silly stuff about Weapons of Breast Mass Destruction… or Elections… or Cool Pictures from Mars! Nope. Celebrities. I gots me priorities right, fo’ shizzle. Give me Martha Stewart and the Jack Pack any day of the week, and keep yo’ boring ol’ News! That’s why you come to Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D. – for the 411 on what matters. Manufacured stories about celebrities, targeted to pander to your immediate need for gossip and hype! Y’All come back now, y’hear!

[If all you’re looking for is nudity… Shame on you! Click here. And Here. And Here.]

Well, Excuse ME! I thought that football tournaments were supposed to focus on the majesty of the “game”. Two teams of titans pitted against one another, as gladiators locked in a mortal battle. The slap of pigskin, the thunder of linesmen and the pinnacle of athleticism. AND YET, it seems that Super Bowl XXXVIII was less about the peak of perfection and more about peeking at JANET JACKSON’S metal encrusted teat!

Let me not be distracted from describing what was a spectacularly exciting last 5 minutes of Super Bowl XXXVIII… BUT, come on, MTV generates hype over the half-time show and promises something “spectacular” and what do you expect? Can Justin Timberlake truly top his Ex, Brittney Spears, who stuck her tounge down Madonna’s throat during last year’s 2003 MTV Music Awards?? There was certainly a much larger audience as the gyrating pop-sensation helped Miss Jackson’s clothings malfunction.

[ CLICK HERE FOR RACY YET NEWSWORTHY POP-UP EXPOSING ALL!! ]
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Was it just a “sneak peek” though?? NO. Certainly Not! It was an unabashed, full-on, BREAST BARING to end all breast barings. JANET exposed her electroplated nipple for the world to gawk at. And what was up with that? A pasty? No, my children, surely not! It was indeed some sort of metalic medalion afixed to the mammary! Was this some horific torture device? Perhpas surgery by her brother Michael’s plastic surgeon gone terribly awry? OR, perhaps she was planning on this coming out party and just decided to dress for the occasion!

Whatever the case, and whatever the excuse, the children of America are terribly scarred for life, and must now undergo years of therapy for having been forced to see……. A NIPPLE! If only we could return to those happy-go-lucky years gone by when no one wore underwear on the outside of their clothes. When womanly virtue was hidden beneath a Victorian hoop-skirt, and a racy show of skin was catching a glimpse of an ankle….

As a TRUE AMERICAN, I am outraged. We shield our nipples in this country. This isn’t FRANCE, after all. Our children gather once a year, to watch the Super Bowl. This is supposed to be an atheletic event where MANLY MEN gather on a GREAT GRIDIRON to decide who has the BEST FOOTBALL TEAM in the WORLD, through a wholesome, bone-crushing, offensive as one team ASSAULTS another in a SAVAGE and MANLY display of SPORTS! And what does MTV turn it into?? A SEX-FILLED ostentatious display of SINGING and BOOBS! For shame, MTV…. For shame! Instead of a gridiron, our children are fixated, pie-eyed, oggling JANET JACKSON’S GLANDIRON!! – For shame! I can appreciate a day of indoctrinating our children in the pastime of BEER, PIZZA, HOT WINGS and BLOOD & GORE… But… A breast?? MTV, have you no decency??

Well, this spectacle ranks right up there with the Brittney/Madonna Kiss, and the Michael/Lisa Marie forced-kiss. It was a PURE MTV MARKETING PLOY, as sure as my name is Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D. Janet Jackson has now truly reached the ultimate level of infamy, previously reserved only for the likes LaToya and Michael. Is it a desperate attempt to inflate her waning career, or a sign of the impending Apocolypse? What, oh what, will MTV think of next? I put nothing past them! And, will our nation have a time of HEALING? Will we ever be able to watch a half-time show again, without covering our eyes?? I for one cannot wait until Super Bowl XXXVIV to find out!

Notice: Dr. Grouchy dot com posts these images ONLY for the further edification of our audience and for the enhancement of education and acurate potification on newsworthy items! Dr. Grouchy does not pander to the masses and post sexy images or sensationalize items for his own benefit! (Images courtesy Matt Drudge.)