According to this article, and the claims of some people on Twitter (I take everything on Twitter as the God’s truth), Pepsi just spend like half a billion dollars to have a new logo developed. The new logo basically looks exactly like the old one, if the old one was drunk and pregnant. I suppose that is the demographic they are going for.

Look at that. Do you really think they spent “hundreds of millions” on a new logo? If so, I want a piece of that action! That’s crazy.

RECESSION + MILLIONS ON LOGO = PEPSI FAIL

RECESSION + MILLIONS ON LOGO + ADDING COCAINE TO PEPSI = WIN

Check out my picture of what their logo should look like. It only took me 2 minutes to draw. In the first version, the penis was much more promenant. I would suggest they copyright the word enis, with the same font as PEPSI, and in blue.

Sponge Bob + Hindu God Shiva + Mayor McCheese + Michelangelo’s David = New Logo = WIN WIN WIN*
(*and maybe bankrupcy)

Wow! I am blown away. It appears that there have been some pretty convincing evidence that GOD EXISTS! Not only has GOD “created Man”, but he added creature comforts that you wouldn’t find in some Korean knock-off, or base model being.

In this clip, Kirk Cameron (that cute, stupid kid from “Growing Pains” in the 1980s) and his buddy, Rev. Ray Comfort prove conclusively that GOD masterbates. They discuss the “banana” fitting the human hand perfectly. Of course, you know they are really talking about the penis. The male member fits perfectly into the male (or female) fist (or other orifaces). The difference, which Rev. Ray alludes to, is that the banana is easy to eat, but it doesn’t explode in your face, while the penis does if operated properly. (I think that Rev. Ray’s last name is also proof that GOD wants you to enjoy life!!)

Since Man was created in the image of GOD, it is clear that GOD must have a really huge penis and he must enjoy getting off as much as a 14-year old with a girlie magazine and an extra-large bottle of Lubriderm. This makes one wonder, what magazine does GOD use to engorge his lordly banana? Maybe, “Hot Busty Female Deity Monthly?”

In addition to proving beyond a reasonable doubt that GOD wants you to “beat the bishop”, the God Squad has proven conclusively that Man and Ape are related. They both like bananas and penises. It also proves that Man is not related to Dogs, because Man cannot lick his own penis (except for some lucky dogs).

Kirk Cameron has done converted this van-living heathen. Proof is as clear as the “Crock-o-duck”. I’ve never seen one, so that MUST mean GOD exists. (Of course, I’ve never seen a Bigfoot either.) This also proves that Bill O’Reilly is really really smart. If he can’t “imagine” the Earth being created by natural processes, it must have been created by GOD in his planet factory.

Frankly, I’ve been so busy celebrating my new status as a “Born Again Masturbater” that I haven’t had time to even view these movies, but if they’re about bananas, they MUST be some good shit. You can watch them… I have a nut to bust. I think it is some kind of rebuttal or something, by some crazy Evolutionists.

Is’t thous stills’t a doubter of the great oscillating creator?? Here is further proof that GOD is the great creator. Other than “Cousin Eddie’s Peanut Butter I made with Nuts in my Trailer” – I have certainly never seen mice spontaneously created in a jar of peanut butter. Ergo, since peanut butter cannot spontaneously transmute into living organisms, we cannot have evolved from apes. I guess after GOD chokes his Galactic Chicken, he must follow it up with a PBJ sandwich. Yummy!

[One astute viewer points out that if peanut butter doesn’t have a moon, it must disprove the theory of gravity. Bravo! Fuck you, Newton!!]

Halleluja! I am convinced. This life is too hard, but I can screw it up because soon JESUS will come back and we will all stroke our bananas and have a big RAPTURE! Heaven must be one big ORGY followed up with peanut butter sandwiches. I’m sold!

ZOMG! I just made the connection:

Thank you Kirk Cameron. Thank you so much!! You have changed my life! I am going to rush home and build a shrine to Elvis, our LORD. It will be awesome, with candles and bananas and some little toy monkeys and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of KY jelly and a box of Kleenex tissues with Aloe. I will decorate it with many pictures of penises, which isn’t GAY at all, because it’s holy you fucking blasphemer!

What a bunch of lazy bastards you all are. You barely work 50-60 hours a week, while Dr. Grouchy is busy with four or five jobs, like he’s some kind of Jamaican.

I try to inspire the next generation of college students to work hard and become rocket scientists and engineers and dairy maids, but NO, they are too lazy. They figure they’ll just take money from their parents, and lay about the house. When that runs out, they’ll suck at the teat of Uncle Sam. Well, there’s just no way we can afford to compete with the Asians, run a couple of wars and cut taxes every year, like we have to do… not if these kids aren’t planning on working hard and making six-figure incomes after college. Hell, half of ’em will probably drop out and not finish college anyways, then they’ll wanna take my third job flipping burgers late-nite at Wendy’s. And, that’s barely a five-figure income. Jebus and Marley! How are we gonna afford to build roads and jet-powered cars that don’t need those roads, if we don’t have lots of MONEY and ENGINEERS? We get a lot of good crap from the Chinese, maybe we can get US dollars from them cheap, I don’t know. I’ll ask when I’m working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart.

In fact, there are lots of good cuss words a person can use. I just don’t think they should be used all the time. Only for special occasions, like Christmas, Easter and Tax Time. But, there are some other words that shouldn’t be used in certain occasions and are okay to use at other times.

Words relating to a person’s race, creed or religion can be hateful if used intentionally to hurt. If you are black, white or pink, it don’t matter to Grouchy. I ain’t spittin’ up your skirt either, I’m serious. I am colorblind, and everyone is just a shade of gray to me. (Well, at least after four or five shots of Jack Daniels.) So, if I’m in a room with someone who has a distinguishing quality, like blonde hair or big boobs, I’ll just yell out, “Hey, you with the big boobs, come sit by Dr. Grouchy!” After all, that ain’t nothin’ but a compliment. Some women spend a lot of money to get big boobs, and they want you to notice!

I can call someone Black or Asian or White, when I’m not pickin’ on ’em. I have to use my own judgement there, but those are just descriptions in some cases. Just like calling someone a women or gay is ok, when it’s just a fact and not mean. We shouldn’t hate on people for being a certain race, or for being short or tall or having a big nose. We shouldn’t be hateful and disrespectful to fat people, or people from America or people with a lisp. In fact, we are limiting ourselves if we single out “protected groups”, because we shouldn’t be hateful of anyone.

If I know someone who’s gay, I can say that in a conversation, as long as I’m not making fun of him for being a sissy, mind you! I shouldn’t call people gay, just to make fun of them when they aren’t. That encourages people to use gay people as a butt of jokes and is just plain wrong. Of course, we need to understand the difference between humor and hate. I’m not saying it’s right to make fun of someone based on a stereotype, but we have a long tradition of fun-making in this world. Fat jokes, blonde jokes, white jokes, Italian jokes, even black or gay jokes can be made in a way that is not hateful. It may not always be funny, but we’ve certainly all seen movies that poked fun at one stereotype or another. We need to lighten up and not take everything so seriously. If I am man (which I can prove), and I poke fun at a woman, that isn’t a hateful thing. Think of all the things I have been called over the years. People hurl around very hateful words like Nazi or Hitler or racist and so on, because someone says something they don’t agree with. They might call me a “Good ol’ Boy” or a “Redneck” (I have a rash). Is that right? Is it ok to hate me, and use hateful language against me or others. Is it ok to even use hateful language against someone who is an all out racist? My grandpappy told me, “two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Example: When I am at a strip club and they have a couple hot chicks there that wanna kiss, I can yell, “Bring out the lesbians, so I can watch ’em kiss!” If they have a kiddie pool filled with oil, all the much better. But, after getting kicked solid in the grouchies by a pretty looking foot in a clear plastic pump when I called a straight nudie dancer a lesbian, I figured out fast that it weren’t nice to poke fun at somebody’s sexual orientation. That just leads to somebody with a pickup truck and a cowboy hat in Wyoming thinking it’s alright to abuse some kid cause he’s different. And, we can’t stand for that kind of thing.

If we lose our sense of humor, and our perspective, and we can’t be forgiving – then we polarize. We drive the politically correct into one group, and the racists into another group (in a compound in Wyoming) and we make no progress in getting across why people with differences need to be tolerant. We won’t get Pat Robertson to allow gays through the Pearly Gates, but maybe we can work with him to get him to use a little less hateful language. Maybe we can eventually get him to admit that it wasn’t gays in New Orleans that brought on the destruction by Hurricane Katrina.

Here’s a test. Watch an episode of “Mind of Mencia” or “South Park”. If your sphincter knots up and you start hyperventilating, you are probably too uptight.

This brings me to “gay” and “queer”. These are two words I used as a kid. Back in the “gay 90s” my grandpappy used to go around having a “gay ol’ time” about every other day. And, he knew some queer kid who wouldn’t take his finger out of his nose. Nobody used those words to describe homosexuals back then. Now, I don’t throw those words around willy-nilly. It’s just harder to use those words in non-sexual situations, without people jumping down your throat as they try to defend those words like they’re sacred.

Gay, in the sexual meaning, is a description of a person. Sometimes it could be a description of something people do, if it is sexual. I just am damn annoyed that people who aren’t gay are trying to protect people who are gay, by getting on my case for using the word “gay” in a perfectly dictionary way.

Example, “I was stuck in traffic for two hours. It was totally gay.”

I wouldn’t use the word totally, but that was just an example. In this case, gay has nothing to do with sex, unless I was having gay sex in my van, which I wasn’t. It is a fair use of the word to describe a situation that is, “characterized by cheerfulness or pleasure” or ironically in cases where the opposite is true. Things that are silly, are “gay”. Things that are really annoying can also be “gay” (ironic). It isn’t right to misuse the word in a sexual way, and this isn’t just hand waiving to justify using a negative term. Some people will never get that, because they only think of it in a sexual way, but they need to cut the rest of us some slack. You can substitute other words for “gay”, like “fun”, but it may not have the same impact and it shouldn’t be necessary because we aren’t doing anything wrong. After all, I’m not suggesting it is ok to say, “That’s Lesbian” or “That’s Black” or “That’s Mexican.”

Imagine sometime between 1930 and 1960 when the term “gay” came to predominantly describe homosexuals. More recently, the word “queer” was bent to that same meaning. Some people call the act of taking an infrequently used word and making it mean something else the act of “hijacking” a word. I don’t believe we should treat some words like this as “off-limits unless you using it in a way that a protected group wants it used.” As long as the meaning is clear, and not hateful, it shouldn’t cause an uproar. We are way too sensitive in this country over a handful of “special” words, and attack people in a hateful way because we don’t like the way they use words. I don’t think hate is appropriate for anyone. If you don’t understand this, don’t assume you’re right and I’m wrong. Erring on the side of political correctness doesn’t automatically make your position correct. It also doesn’t justify using the other N-word (Nazi) or similar hateful language, just because you “believe” you are right and I am wrong. People are not only too uptight, they are way too quick to judge others.

I also don’t think it should be acceptable for people in a “protected group” to use a hateful word amongst themselves. By making the N-word acceptable in rap music, it seems to make it ok for some to use the hateful word, but not others. If a word is negative like that, it shouldn’t be used by anyone, and it isn’t funny to joke about it by saying it frequently or in a funny way just because you are Black.

But, people should be able to say, “That’s gay” about a situation that is clearly non-sexual and it shouldn’t be considered demeaning or hateful. In everyday use, that it how “gay” is sometimes used. The more it gets used that way, the more it will be accepted in that usage. And, that’s fair. (At least until we get overly sensitive about all these words and define them all as hate speech and outlaw their use in public, unless you carry credentials saying you are a member of a qualified protected class.)

Liberals don’t seem to understand that Conservatives don’t like killing either, but they realize that there is no cheap and painless way to free people from truly racist and evil people. Sometimes the word “evil” is appropriate. I seem to recall that during WWII, the liberals of the day suggested we build a big wall, and ignore the problems of Europe because we had our own problems in America. They won’t admit it, but they had no problem with Hitler. It was a “civil war” isolated to Europe. Gee, just because the Nazis and extremist Muslims both advocate wiping out all other races and cultures… yeah, there’s no reason to compare them. Let’s just call our democratically elected administration Nazis, because they actually DO obey the rule of law, they won’t restrict our freedom of speech to say such hateful things. The liberals aren’t smart enough to understand that we weren’t invading Iraq to attack Iraqis, but attacking Islamic fundamentalists who support terror and terrorism.

Of course, in Rosie’s defense, she claims that she is just “exploring” her thoughts and “educating” herself on the 9-11 bombings, as she posts unfounded accusations based on Internet conspiracy theories that a 4th grader would find suspicious. She equates Christians on the right, and militant terrorists fundamentalist Muslims who proclaim the desire to kill all Americans. But, she’s a liberal, so no one can criticize her (and a member of another protected class or two). When Ann Coulter tells a joke, she receives death threats. If I had to choose between Ann Coulter (on the right), and Rosie (somewhere left of Neverland), at least Ann is attractive and intelligent. Oops! There I go again, being sexist. Just like a white guy!

I’ve invented a new term for “white guys”. We aren’t all the same shade of pasty white, after all. We are racially considered “Caucasians”, so I propose we all be called “Caucs”. Don’t call us “whitey” or “the man” because that just confuses us, call us all a bunch of big racist “caucs” and that should get our attention as we drink our white milk and eat our mayonnaise sandwiches on white bread (with the crusts cut off).

So, what’s up with the double standard? Example: “Jessie Jackson Calls New York Hymie Town” gets excused, while “Don Imus Calls Rutgers Players Nappy-Headed Hos” becomes major news. I’m not trying to compare the two comments. Jackson made a hateful, intentional slur, while Imus made a stupid comment during a comedy sketch without thinking. Sure, both comments were stupid, but despite making stupid comments himself, Jackson (with perennial candidate Sharpton) considers Imus’ comments deserving of a national referendum on hate speech. Come on. I don’t listen to Imus, because he’s a Democrat apologist who has a track record of saying stupid things. I hate to say it, but is it right for Jackson to be a spokesperson here? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? (I don’t think that was racist, but it sounds racist.)

Imus or his cast have called Colin Powell a “weasel,” New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson a “fat sissy” and referred to Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell of Colorado, an American Indian, as “the guy from `F Troop.'” He and his colleagues also called the New York Knicks a group of “chest-thumping pimps.”

Imus himself now acknowledges that there is a new climate of political correctness: “Here’s what I’ve learned: that you can’t make fun of everybody…” There are protected classes that you cannot question. Rosie may have the freedom to make hateful proclamations on her television show (because she’s a gay liberal?), but if a white guy (“a big cauc”) makes a stupid comment, liberals are up in arms and ready to run him out of town on a rail. We can dismiss the fact that conservative politicians are able to accept Imus’ apology while the very Democrats he promoted on his show now condemn him, because conservative white guys are inherently racist anyway. Right? You can get away with shit as a liberal, that you couldn’t as a conservative. Liberals are not as forgiving and open-minded as they pretend to be. They enjoy saying mean-spirited things, hating people who are different from them politically, and they vote against certain ideas instead of developing and promoting a positive agenda of their own. The extreme right and left in this country chant the mantras that their leaders give them and follow them with blind faith. That applies equally to the fundamentalists who believe Pat Robertson and to the left-coast-tree-hugging-liberals who regurgitate lines from Al Gore’s movie or Bill Maher as they stand around the office water cooler. (Just keep saying to yourself things like, “I have many black friends. Really!” and “Bush stole the election” over and over and it will be okay.)

Even though it’s been said I’ve never seen a stereotype I didn’t repeat, what is so wrong with asking questions and trying to debate issues that people are really thinking about? Is it ok to say very hateful things about fat, balding, white guys (“big caucs”) you don’t like, yet wrong to simply ask questions about people and policies that involve “protected classes”? Are the people in these “protected classes” so fragile, that the debate will emotionally stunt them? I’m afraid it really gets down to the deep fears and racism that Democrats harbor, at least the intellectually-superior-sounding ones. They inherently don’t believe people are smart enough to make decisions, and they want the government (ideally all “progressive” liberals) to make decisions for them. They don’t want to raise people from the inner cities out of poverty, they want them to stay where they are, and give them free cheese. If they really cared about people, they wouldn’t try to keep them fat and happy, they’d try to get them educated and off their fat asses (there is an obesity epidemic, you know!) and integrated into our society so they have more opportunity to participate in national discussions. That is what they are really afraid of, that the protected classes will someday be equal to them, the white liberal intelligencia. Then they will be exposed as the know-nothings they are. Full of hot air and supposition and all the time fueling divisiveness between the “haves” and the “have-nots” so they can maintain their own power base, and promote their nonsensical agendas. (Of course, when the liberals lose, as they ultimately do, they in turn blame it on right-wing plots (by “evil white guys”) and multi-national corporate conspiracies (does Halliburton ring a bell?))

Another talk-show host, a white guy from Houston, made some comments that were decried as racist recently. Michael Berry asked the question many of us have also asked. If we fought the Indians for land in the past couple hundred years, and won, at what point should we stop apologizing and move on? Valid question. Not a racist question. One that someone would legitimately ask when they see Indians not integrating into society in some cases, and flaunting U.S. law by putting Casinos on their “sovereign” land. This is not the first country to displace indigenous peoples. That has happened throughout Europe and the Americas, and around the world. In most cases, they come to terms and move on. In fact, U.S. policy tries to promote diverse cultures and not wipe them out. The “we were here before you” argument isn’t a good one. It’s tired and needs to be retired. There is evidence that when the Indians migrated to the Americas from Asia, they displaced humans that settled here before them. At what point are we no longer responsible for what our ancestors did? (In many cases, our ancestors were still in Europe when slavery and Indian wars were going on.)

Oh sure, write-off Doctor Grouchy. He’s just a cantankerous old white guy (aka – a “big fat cauc”). Let’s say funny things about the white guys. All I know is it’s all shades of the same thing happening. Just like we shouldn’t discount a person or the value of what they have to say because of their race or creed or religion, we shouldn’t protect them either if they say stupid things “because” of their race, creed or religion. People in the majority, who as a race have not been oppressed for centuries, do not understand what the minority may be going through. Even I understand that I don’t understand what I can’t understand. We don’t yet live in a world that can easily be color-blind. We need to be sensitive to how words can hurt others. We must not be so quick to judge, label and call people that we don’t personally know names. After all, how can we really know what they were thinking when they did/said what they did/said? (Did I really just say that? Shocking!) At the same time, we must not be afraid to discuss some topics or call them off-limits because of political correctness. Political correctness is just us wanting to look good to others.

In a discussion, people may learn things that will change their point of view. What Rosie does is not a discussion, it is bullying and ignorant. What Imus did was not discussion, it was a stupid statement in a feeble attempt at humor. What Michael Berry said was intended to start a discussion on a topic that he probably didn’t understand very well. We need to be forgiving and understanding of all people, because they may have a perspective we don’t understand. That not only goes for the “protected” but for these people who do and say stupid things as well, as long as they are sincere and learn from their mistakes.

Enough of this. Why do we go on and on about stupid things that individuals do? Why are we obsessed by what some individual does, in a country of 300 million people? How significant is one person, or their comments. I think it can be harmful to spend so much time listening to gossip or worrying about what strangers do on some TV reality show or talk show. Aren’t there more important issues to discuss that will mean more to the future of this great nation? I am just one “big ol’ cauc”, but I am going to expend no further effort discussing what Don Imus or Rosie O’Donnell do or think. I can spend my time more productively. I’m going to turn on Fox News and see who the real father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby is!

The doctor has always said that women should be seen and not heard. (Only if they’re good looking, otherwise they shouldn’t be seen either.) Well, this so-called woman is the stereotypical loud Irish lesbian (whatever that means.) She has a 4th grade view of the world, and doesn’t understand complicated world politics. She finds it much easier to watch YouTube and watch Michael Moore movies than to perform research or listen to reputable sources, I guess. So, she’s gotten herself hired as the host of this daytime chick talk-show called, “The View” shortly after the previous host (my honey, Star Jones) turned up missing. (Rumors circulated that perhaps Rosie ate Star Jones, to get the job.) As host, the Big “O” gets to make off-the-cuff remarks about bad Republicans, war and conspiracies. The good doctor thinks that maybe she should stick to things she knows about, like which Indigo Girls songs are the best, and gossip about “Desperate Housewives”.

Rosie feels she can spout ignorance like a whale spouts water out its blow-hole. (I couldn’t help myself.) She fits in well with the pseudo-elite left-coast Hollywood liberals, like Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand and Kathy Griffin. She likes to polarize audiences, and she loves all the attention. If you disagree with her, she writes you off. If you agree with her, she loves you. She (look, I keep calling her she…) is a burly, manly woman who likes to bully the other girls on “The View”. There are times, I hear, that they almost come to blows. Hell, if most women were going to start a catfight, I’d tune in. I find nothing wrong in the occasional wrestling match (jello or mud optional) between consenting attractive adult women. I am pretty sure I don’t want to see the women of “The View” getting physical – although, I’d be ok if it was a couple of hot female celebrity guests.

Does the media pick on Rosie too much? It sounds like she brings it on herself. She wants to be controversial. She wants to be the center of attention. All she does is whine and complain about things she hates. Then she uses bumper sticker sayings to justify everything – like anyone could argue with, “isn’t love better than war?” She’s rude and unsophisticated, and the fact that she may give to charity doesn’t make her a qualified authority on Iran or Iraq or Global Warming. Yet, housewives and lesbians across this great nation give credence to her regurgitation of conspiracy theories she cherry-picks from Internet blog sites. Is there anything attractive about her or the stupid things she says? I’m sure that many will choose to change the channel because they can’t stand her. (See, I didn’t use the B-word!)

I am pretty good at predictions. I told everyone that there would not be dozens of “Katrina-level” hurricanes in 2006, like the Al Gore fanboys predicted. When everyone was crying about how HOT the winter was, I told them not to pack away their warm winter coat quite yet. So, what is my prediction? Contrary to what Rosie (the poet laureate) thinks, the United States will NOT be in Iran “by summer”. It is much more likely she will be booted off yet another talk show. Maybe next time she will end up hosting a lesbian version of the Jerry Springer show. That would suit her. Or, better yet, maybe the “chunky, masculine co-host of The View” should get her own late-night show on a public access channel where she can spout psychotic conspiracy theories to her bleeding-heart’s content. She’s as embarrassing as the fat, drunk, obnoxious uncle that comes to family reunions just to argue (and then your mom makes you pick him up out of his own vomit and put him back in his 1980 Trans Am at the end of the night.)

I actually don’t care if she stays on The View or not. I don’t watch that crap. (I would rather that the people who get off on Rosie stay home, because they can do less harm there.) We’ve fought wars so that we can enjoy freedom of speech in America. Even if people don’t appreciate that fact, they still have the right to say any dumb thing they wish. We all have the same right to change the channel. I choose not to watch ninety-nine percent of the drivel that’s broadcast; which is good, because I get really crappy reception in my van down by the river.

Jimmy Kimmel calls Rosie O’Donnell the “chunky, masculine co-host of The View”

So, I was driving to work, and the on-ramp to the I-74 bridge no longer has the 2-liter bottle of pee over to one side. For probably a month or two, I passed by a weak yellow bottle of “something” and all I could figure was some trucker threw this bottle of pee out his window. (No, it wasn’t me.) Today, the bottle is smashed. Someone else must have noticed it. God knows the sanitation department couldn’t be bothered to stop and pick it up.

I finally got in to work, about 45 minutes late, and as I am taking the elevator down into the bowels of the community college where I am fortunate to have a wooden chair and a crate of pickles for a table, I notice that someone has stuck gum to the side of the elevator. Right up by where the buttons are, there is chewing gum. This is not a “student” elevator, this is exclusive for “staff only” so you know that someone was acting very unprofessional. It really steams my rice that I dress up in my “work” Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts and sandals, and take a sponge bath and apply some Axe cologne at the Texaco, and my co-workers are so unprofessional!

Now that I am awake and sober enough to grade the last two exams I should have handed back over a week ago, I am getting distracted by those same co-workers who like to talk about sports. They are all excited about pre-season baseball and who is wearing the tighter uniforms. They spend about an hour talking about golf and NASCAR racing. Finally, they wind down and talk about fishing and cleaning their hunting rifles. Then it is time for them to take a smoke break, where they will probably talk about any other sport that they can gamble on. Maybe professional gardening or competitive billiards or cock fighting. I can pretty much guarantee that if we had cock fights in the Quad Cities, they would buy season tickets. Which makes me think, if these closet homos want to watch male athletes sweat and scratch, wouldn’t there be a lot of money to be made by bringing back gladiators? Not a bad idea. NASCAR is proof positive that the average Joe wants to see pseudo-sports (i.e. Monster Trucks and Tractor Pulls) in a large arena – and they enjoy seeing people die. If we could only include that asshat who says “Get ‘er done” as the announcer, and offer gambling, cigarettes and Budweiser beer, we would have the perfect new American sporting venue. If we throw in some half-naked women pole-dancing, then my co-workers could pat each other on the asses and still convince themselves they aren’t gay.

Damn! I only have 10 minutes to do all my grading. Hmmmm…. well, they all pretty much look like “B” papers. I’m satisfied with that.

It is basketball season, and everyone is talking about sports again instead of doing work. What’s up with guys and sports? I like a good match-up here and there, but I am not obsessed with it. I do not memorize statistics about sweaty strangers who like to pass balls up and down the court. I don’t mind basketball, just like I don’t mind hockey or golf. I don’t despise it like I do baseball. God, I mentioned that word! I forgot that is coming up. I think one co-worker is spending this week (the kids get spring break this week, so everyone from work figures that means THEY can up and take vacation)… he is spending this week at spring training for the Cubs in Florida. Ouch!

My theory is that many men like other men, more men than you might think. They really want to “look” in the locker room. They “like” showering with other men, and patting them on the butts. Men who like other men love to talk about sports. They love watching sweaty men compete and their heart rates jump when they accidentally touch one another.

Talking about sports, especially at work is a way to convince other men that they are straight, when in fact anyone who obsesses on other men like this is clearly gay. I don’t mean this in the “I am happy” way, but in the sweaty, agressive, man-sex way. Baseball fans even more-so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, let’s just keep the locker room discussions out of the workplace. It cuts into my nap-time, between classes.

Did you subscribe to Sports Illustrated instead of Teen Beat when you were an overly-hormonal teen, because you couldn’t come out of the closet? Talk about your heartthrob, who takes steroids, somewhere else. Maybe at a sports bar (secretly, this would make sports bars “gay bars”.) Have you noticed everyone at a sports bar smokes? This is because they really want a penis in their mouth. OK, I could have said that better – they have an oral fixation. But, is that to be expected when they watch muscular, sweaty men wrestle and fight on TV? Like gladiators or Greco-Roman wrestlers… not that Greeks were gay, or anything. Just like Greek frat-boys aren’t closet homosexuals. I’d never call them that. Heck, people can do anything they like with a paddle and rope in the privacy of their own state-school funded frat-house basement. (Don’t most frat-boys love sports and play sports?)

Not that there’s anything WRONG with that!

I have, of recent times, found myself to be questioning the origins of life, as well as the cosmic origins of the universe and pretty much everything. Thus, I sit cross-legged and ensconced in a shirt with the number “42” on the front before my Internet throne and wiki on a wet and gray Sunday in late November.

1. Last Thursdayism [from the church website]
   

   The Church of Last Thursday of Queen Maeve [ faq | wiki ]
   The Fastest growing Church in the world! *

   Last Thursdayism is the belief that my cat, Queen Maeve, created the universe Last Thursday. There is a lot of evidence for Last Thursdayism (though I won’t mention most of it here). The best evidence is the finicky design of the universe and of the human species. The learned observer can obviously see that we were designed as a slave race for cats. Think about it, will you?

   We’re all awaiting judgement day, Next Thursday, when Maeve will judge our souls based on our kindness towards cats of all kinds.

   The duties of Church members are few. You have but to scratch the head of, rub the belly of, give a kitty treat to, etc a cat at least once a week. This is the minimum for salvation. Becoming a slave to a cat (often incorrectly refered to as “owning a cat”) is one of the best things you can do.

   Those who are judged favorably by Maeve will be entered into paradise where they will become cats. Heathens become slaves to cats in paradise. Those who are cruel to cats will have their souls cast into the Eternal Litterbox where they will wander forever. The Eternal Litterbox is never cleaned.

   It’s a wonderful belief system and I plan to have it introduced into the public schools. After all, why shouldn’t we have “equal time” with godless evolutionism, wacky creationism, and the Invisible Pink Unicorn? I’m working on a purriculum that includes bringing Queen Maeve into the classroom to answer questions (if she feels like it). This is something that cannot be done with those “other theories.”

2. The Invisible Pink Unicorn

   The church of The Invisible Pink Unicorn began to spread on the Internet, sometime around 1990. It is common when discussing the Invisible Pink Unicorn to point out that because she is invisible, no one can prove she does not exist.

   “Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can’t see them.” –Steve Eley, IPU Chief Advocate and Spokesguy

   The IPU has a fondness for raisin bread (which symbolizes the expanding universe). It is more or less agreed that she is partial to ham and pineapple pizza, although some vegetarians dissent, arguing that since IPU is vegetarian, it must be pineapple and mushrooms. Pineapple, anyway, is agreed upon, as is the fact that she despises pepperoni. Another point of agreement is that IPU “raptures” socks, which accounts for their otherwise inexplicable tendency to disappear. Socks raptured from your laundry are allegedly a “sign” of favor from IPU — or it could be disfavor, depending on who is asked, or perhaps upon which socks are raptured. Skeptics might suggest one seek a deeper understanding by looking under the washing machine’s agitator for “raptured” garments.

   The antithesis of The IPU is the Purple Oyster (of Doom), or “PO(oD)”, who is said to have originally been one of the minions of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, but he was cast out of Her Pastures for the Great Evil of attempting to convince believers of the heretical notion that pepperoni and mushroom pizza is more pleasing to Her than the pineapple and ham. It is said that a Judgment Day will transpire, the Day of Oats and Hay, when the Purple Oyster (of Doom) will be reconciled with the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and return to Her service. [ wiki ]

   “For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner, destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy Purple Oyster; Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet. For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and tempt them unto destruction.
   — The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial), Chapter One, Verses 9 to 11”

   There is a similar religion based on The Invisible Green Dragon, which seems to have withered in recent years. I believe Carl Sagan had an “IGD” which breathed “heatless fire” living in his garage.

3. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism [ link | wiki ]

   I have discussed this religion before, and it seems to be one of the best developed on this list. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSM) was exposed to the public for the first time in 2005, in response to the Kansas Board of Education decision to allow Creationism into schools.

   Beliefs of FSM:

   • An invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees and a “midgit”. All evidence pointing towards evolution was intentionally planted by this being.
   • Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s. A graph showing the inverse correlation between the pirates and global temperatures was also provided. This component of the theory highlights the logical fallacy of correlation implying causation.
   • It is disrespectful to teach their beliefs without wearing “His” chosen outfit, full pirate regalia.
   • The monster continues to guide human affairs with his “noodly appendage”.
   • Prayers to “Him” are typically ended by “Ramen”, instead of “Amen”.
   • Heaven has a stripper factory and a beer volcano.
   • Bobby Henderson is the “prophet” of this religion.
   • Every Friday is a religious holiday.

4. The Church of Scientology [ wiki ]

This is certainly the most professional “Alternate Religion.” This religion was developed as an alternative to the “the conspiricy of the modern mental health profession.” It was developed by science-fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard, which also makes it one of the most developed and creative of the religions listed here. Let me give you some reasons why.

When you reach the very highest levels of the Scientology Cult Church, you are told the highly comical story of Xenu, a galactic tyrant who decided to thin out the galactic population by flying “hundreds of billions” to Earth in “space planes” that closely resembled DC-8 airlines. Xenu exterminated these frozen victims by placing them near active volcanoes some 75 million years ago. A good science-fiction writer knows that overkill only lends credibility to a story, so Hubbard claimed that Xenu also chose to destroy them with “hydrogen bombs”. He then brainwashed (Xenu, not Hubbard) the “Thetans” with movies about Jesus, and the Thetans got confused and thought they were people and somehow came to inhabit our (human) bodies. Given that there are only a few billion human beings, and there used to be many fewer, that comes out to possibly hundreds of misguided “Thetan” spirits inhabiting our bodies. There also seems to be a 75 million year gap between when Xenu first arrived on Earth (during the reign of the dinosaurs) and the time of humans (and Jesus). Perhaps he amused himself by flying around in one of the hundred million spaceships he used to transport all those frozen Thetan-sicles. Maybe XENU is the so-called “creator” referred to in the “Intelligent Design Religion” – but, I digress.

So, a pretty exciting religion. Plus, there is a chance if I donate enough money, I’ll get to meet marginal actors like Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley on a cruise where I can learn about the many past lives of L. Ron Hubbard, and other Scientologists who recall having love affairs with robots, being an intergalactic walrus that fell out of a space pick-up and even a happy being who lived on the planet Nostral 23 billion years ago (about 9 billion years BEFORE the Big Bang.) So, despite some people calling Scientology a cult or a scam, or a big-old tax evasion scheme, I am sure there are some cool movie nights and gatherings with Kool-Aid on some mountaintop where we can wait for the DC-8s filled with awesome aliens to land so Travolta can fly us to play with the walruses on the Moon!

5. Intelligent Design [ wiki ]

This religion asserts that the “Universe” is filled with complicated “Things”, and because the Intelligent Design (ID) priests cannot understand the hard science classes, like biology and geology, they cannot understand how simple things can eventually become complex things. The solution ended up being a magical supernatural being.

This is a simple religion to understand, despite the fact that the ID priests continue to call it “science”. Basically, you think really hard of a rational reason that you can understand in simple terms, and then you explain it very slowly to a bunch of people who have already made up their mind that the Earth is 5000 years old, created in exactly seven 24-hour days by a large white man with a big beard, who later flooded the planet, forcing another smaller bearded man to load up a large boat with two of every species on the planet. (Why the large bearded guy couldn’t just recreate all the animals after the flood with a snap or his large fingers, is beside the point. Likewise, it is not fair to ask how a planet filled with a hundred million different species can all fit on a boat, including dinosaurs ridden by cavemen.) This religion is often seen as a pseudo-science extension of fundamental Christianity, supported by people who interpret the bible literally and call down a rain of frogs on anyone who questions their rationale. Facts get in the way of people who have already made up their minds that the Earth is flat.

These people are not nearly as fun as the Scientologists, and their science-fiction is all fire and brimstone, with none of the fancy aliens in space-airplanes.

6. Here are some other Parody Religions and Mainstream Religions Intended to be Taken Seriously

I am still at a loss. All of these religions have so many “positive” qualities that I just can’t choose between them. I think I am going to consider starting my own religion, “Grouchyism.” In the meantime, I will turn on reruns of Star Trek (the original series), put on my velour shirt, and order Domino’s Pizza while I worship at the alter of Shatner.

Yes, you heard me. I want to shoot the Governor.

That doesn’t mean I’ll do it, just something I’ve been ruminating on since I was forced to go through the third degree when I went to buy some Sudafed at the grocery store. The new LAW requires that I provide my license and buy this over-the-counter medication from a pharmacist, because I might take 1 or 2 packages of Sudafed and a bottle of Draino and turn my VAN into a METH LAB.

It really bunches my girdle to have to submit to an interrogation, sign my name, take off my shoes and place any sharp items in my pockets into a basket before swearing on a stack of bibles that i will only use this medication for its stated purpose: SO I CAN BREATHE! Hell, I was heading to work the other day and all congested and went into one of the 50,000 Walgreen’s stores in the major metropolitan area, and I couldn’t buy any because they needed a freaking pharmacist to issue it. I guess they trust the girl who opens the store with $100,000 of merchandise, but she might just turn into a fucking drug dealer if she had access to Sudafed!

It makes me even grouchier than usual, to be insulted by idiotic laws in America. Lawmakers want to regulate and tax everything they can, and then on top of that, when there’s a topic like DRUGS or SEX OFFENDERS they seize on it as a chance to win votes and get re-elected. “YES, you didn’t have a problem with (SEX OFFENDERS/DRUG DEALERS) in your neighborhood, but this nifty law I passed sure sounds good, don’t it?” I don’t CARE a flying Fig Newton if all the drug addicts shoot each other, and overdose on homegrown meth-amphetamines. I just want to pick up a Goddamned package of Sudafed so I can fucking breathe, whenever I need it, wherever it is sold.

DEAR LAWMAKERS, stop taking all the fucking rights away from decent citizens who don’t break the law. Stop assuming that you have to prevent good people from doing stupid things, and wait until we break the law FIRST before you harass us. If I need to give you my blood, my fingerprints, my retinal scan or my fucking DNA, I will do it. We are way past the point where we can debate the fine points of our personal liberties. If you tell me that I need a national identity card, and I can give you my fingerprints, eye scan and show my license and plane ticket and walk on the plane without a full body cavity search, then tell me what line to stand in to get one. I am on board. Same goes for non-prescription medication. Or, about anything else that will allow upstanding citizens to avoid being treated like criminals.

If thoughts could kill, all you smart-ass lawmakers would be in BIG TROUBLE. You’ll find me in my van, down by the river with a stuffy nose thinking very bad thoughts about all of you. Including our idiot governor!