Someone very close to me started up a Dr. Grouchy fan page on Facebook. Why haven’t you joined? I am hurt. The nicest thing a friend (with benefits) can do for another, without kneeling or undressing, is to Facebook them.

I’ll expect your prompt reply. This really isn’t an option.

Join: Dr. Grouchy Knows It All on Facebook, now!

Scientists have proven beyond all doubt that God is dead, homeopathic medicine is a hoax, prayer doesn’t work and women who refuse to have gratuitous sex with Dr. Grouchy are lesbians… What next? Well, the largest study of weight loss has shown DIETS DON’T WORK!

Big fucking surprise, folks!

I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!!

In fact, they make you FATTER! If you exercise at the level that God The Great Spaghetti Monster intended, you can pretty much eat what you are hungry for and not be obese. If you sit in front of your computer all day, and play video games all night, while eating nachos and Diet Coke, you are going to be FAT. Geesh!

Let me emphasize again, Diet Coke (diet sodas with Nutrasweet) is not healthy for you, and it will eventually be proven that it causes cancer and rectal bleeding and makes you even FATTER than if you drank nothing at all (try water, it’s not bad!)

Oh, speaking of water, bottled water is for pussies! It amazes me how some people got together and decided they could invent a new product and people would want to buy it – and pay top dollar for it too! Bottled water almost always comes from processing facilities that also supply city water supplies. The tap water is usually no different than the bottled water, except it don’t cost you no $2.99 to take a sip from the drinking fountain.

Just follow the Dr. Grouchy, patented, weight loss program of VIGOROUS CALISTENICS. You will be much better off! I swear, or my name ain’t Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D.!!

Well, it all makes sense now. I wondered why our leaders were so quick to propose sending men to Mars. Now I have hard evidence. Forget the “face on Mars” crap. And, despite the realism, Governor Schwarzenegger never actually landed on Mars. It turns out that was just a fabrication by Hollywood. For shame! Why was this not exposed during the California recall election? Arnold ran on the platform that only he had freed colonists on Mars, and it turns out to all be a lie.

As this image proves, beyond any rational doubt, there is indeed life on Mars, and they are reproducing left and right. The Gusev crater turns out to be a big “make-out” area, given the nickname “Blueberry Hill“.

EXCLUSIVE MARS PHOTOS PROVE LIFE!

At least the Martians are practicing safe sex, which prompted Vatican representative, Fr. Guido Sarducci, to state: “We of course deny that life exists on Mars. The Holy Father spoka to God justa the other day, and he said thisa was justa made up stuff. But… ifa there isa life on Mars, their use a da contraceptives only goes to show dat they are probably da Jews or da Muslims and not a da good Catholics.”

Signs are that Mars is not only populated, but heavily populated by very well endowed creatures. The number of such wrappers on the first day of the rover expidition indicate a great desire on the part of Martians to keep the population in check. The prophylactic wrappers are almost the only signs of litter on Mars, whereas a teenage make-out locale on Earth would be littered with trash and cigarette butts. This seems to indicate that the Martians don’t smoke, and they are very concerned about their environment. Definitively proving their superior intellect.

President Bush justified the expense of a mission to Mars: “It appears that the RED planet is really a Communist stronghold. This is clearly evidenced by the fact that the planet is RED, and because so many of our Space Probes have been shot down by the enemy. The discovery of space-rubbers only makes us more worrified, because they may be breeding a super race of astronauts that will be sent to Earth with lasers. They could then join forces with terrorists, or just breed with our cheerleaders and infiltrate the NBA, because indications are that Martians are very large. In fact, this image proves they are very well endowed, indeed. Should we go to Mars? You’re darn tootin’! With the inscrutible Chinese on the Moon, and Martians having sex on Mars… Well, you just do the math!” The President then colored the following picture to illustrate the danger.