Grouchy At The Movies

Boy, that Ashley Judd is hot. I wish she had been in one of these movies. It might have made them worth sitting through after all. Well, Dr. Grouchy spent some time laid up with a pulled groin this past month, so he watched a bunch of DVD rentals. Back before my travels in the South Pacific, we had the war between Betamax and VHS. After being rescued from my tropical paradise, so I could live in sub-zero weather in my van down by the river, it is awfully darn difficult to find movies in VHS for my old player. So, I actually had to buy a DVD player for Christmas.

Other than two movies at the theater, I was laid out on the waterbed in the back of my Vanagon, with a long extension cord run over to the outlet at the Super 8 Motel, and a pile of 49-cent burritos from Lupe’s Taco Shack and a twelve-pack of Old Style, and a stack of DVDs to watch.

Here’s the list of movies I saw, and I’ll give you my two-cents on all of ’em. Pirates of the Carribean, Peter Pan, The Butterfly Effect, Open Range, Out of Time, The Italian Job, Underworld, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Three Blind Mice, Xmen-2, Bad Boys II, Freaky Friday, Bruce Almighty….

Well, let me comment on the movies I actually watched at our local Megaplex. The latest was The Butterfly Effect. I was a little caught off guard at first, because I was expecting it to be a sequel to “Dude, Where’s My Car?” However, once I figured out it wasn’t another Dude-movie, I quite enjoyed it. The kid actors did quite a fine job of acting all disturbed and everything. I think we may even have a successor to Keanu Reeves, in Ashton Kutcher. The acting in the second half of the movie was lackluster, and I kept expecting to be Punk’d, but Kutcher’s acting is at its best when he is stupified. I thought the whole concept of trying to correct our mistakes, was one I could particularly relate to. Of course, he kept screwing things up worse, until he realized that someone had to sacrifice something in order to “make things right.” If I had to choose one two things to make this better, the first would be to lose the powderpuff ending. He didn’t seem to have really give anything up. He had several lifetimes worth of memories, yet he still graduated with what appeared to be a happy and successful life. Everyone lived happily-ever-after. What kind of lesson did we learn from that? That brings me to number two, if you wanted me to live happily-ever-after too, you would have sent Ms. Judd to nurse me back to health in my van! Come on Ashton… Dude! Where’s my Judd??

Well, the only other movie I saw at the theater was Peter Pan. Now, this movie hit it on the nail. It was a gritty fantasy, with a realistic ending. The fluff in the middle was kiddie-cotton-candy. This is a good movie to take your inner child to, but it isn’t long on plot and dialogue. If you’re looking for a sleepover at the Neverland Ranch, you will be disapointed. Although, there is something strangely erotic about these children poised on the edge of puberty. But, Uncle Grouchy won’t go there. The ending of the movie pointed out the consequences of our choices. If you don’t want to grow up, then you miss out on things like parents, learning new things, sex, and so on. Even the girl you pine for may outgrow you and leave you to neverland, where you are emotionally stunted and unable to have adult relationships… Just like Neverland Ranch.

From the local video store, I watched a string of other movies, now out on DVD. Pirates of the Carribean was a good movie for taking my mind off the single digit weather. (It gets mighty cold in the van when the wind starts up!) All I can say is Johnny Depp did a dead-on impersonation of Keith Richards. I heard that was really his role model for the eternally-drunk scallywag. There was no great plot to this movie, but it moved along fine if you like seeing a ship full of pirates who look like they have really-really-bad scurvy. It’s worth a rental, but would have been better if there was more singing.

Next up, Open Range, the latest Costner-Western. Was it good? Yeah, not that bad. I like me a good western, after all, but there’s no one to take the place of good ol’ John Wayne. This movie was worth a rental, because it seemed to be pretty honest to the period. The one shortcoming that will keep it off Dr. Grouchy’s Top 10 List is the ending. I know that some people died, but after the first part of the movie, it just followed to the logical conclusion. Everyone lived happily ever after, but maybe this was a prequel to Little House on the Prairie, who knows. Anyhow, like Coster’s film “War” a decade ago, there was little but suggestion of the evils of war, and I think seeing the depths to which a man can be driven is valuable in such a film. I don’t think this Costner-Duval western can top Unforgiven though. The Eastwood/Hackman/Freeman/Harris-flick bares its soul and Open Range just gives us a glimpse.

Let me quickly give my review of a couple action movies. The Italian Job was a fair enough flick. Marky Mark is no Matt Damon, but Dr. Grouchy is a softie when it comes to the whole “payback” genre. Worth renting along with a six-pack. Probably the best Tomb Raider sequel I’ve seen to date.

Out of Time was another rent-worthy flick. Denzel plays a small-town cop with woman problems. Well, right away the good doctor is onboard with that idea. Denzel is getting the snowjob, and more, from his girlie on the side. You are not too impressed with this Florida Sheriff up front, and even by the end, your feelings will be ambigous, but you will see a man who is getting screwed, and not in the good way, work his way back to the right side of the law and the good side of his ex-wife’s heart. The ending is another, “well that worked out, let’s go back to drinking Corona on the houseboat.” Not a classic, but worth 90 minutes of your time.

Underworld is a typical Vampire versus Werewolf movie. Whatever that means! Anyhow, if you go in expecting high theater, Oops! But, if you want to see a cool chick, with leather and big teeth kick some butt and figure out which ghouls are ghood and which are bhad, then it’s a fine B-movie. Worth a rent and some Kettle One.

Bad Boys II is proof that my illegitimate son, Pedro and I have different tastes in movies. He liked the next two movies much more than I did. This was an obvious way to draw on the power of a franchise. If you enjoy The Fresh Prince and Martin Lawerence, and lots of expensive cars blowing up, then go right ahead. In these movies, the main characters are rogue cops, “Bad Boys” with a history of “shoot first and ask questions later.” Sure, they end up catching the bad guys, but the laughs are forced and they are as often on the wrong side of the law as the Bad Guys. I can’t think of a situation where I would want to watch this, no matter how drunk I was. I think if I was passed out in my own puke, I would wake up and throw up again if you put this on.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was less than extraordinary. I can’t turn down a Sean Connery movie, and he was enjoyable in this movie. If you want to watch a movie with the family, this fairy tale is an adequate rental, but beyond the fanciful props, and freakish characters, the movie doesn’t develop. The storyline with Quartermane (Connery), the American kid and the period development in Africa and Europe was great. The movie needed more of that to hold my interest. If you have a choice between this and the History Channel, choose the later.

X-Men 2: X-2 was a decent sequel. It was “comic-book” all the way, but so what. I like comic books, especially the ones with the scantly clad women! OK. There were too many kids in this movie, but that’s alright, because lots of stuff blew up.

Bruce Almighty was almighty lame. The guy was a loser, and self-centered and if anyone deserves to be given the power of the Almighty for a week, it’s Dr. Grouchy! Jim Carey is always too much Jerry Lewis and not a character that I care about. Live, die, I could care less. Bruce Almighty is one of the dumberer movies of the past year. Even having a Friends co-star isn’t enough to put this one over the top in my book. “Hey Jim, guess how many fingers I’m holding up!”

Have you ever sat up at night, maybe looking on the Internet for what happened to that kid from the Terminator 2 movie? Well, Eddie Furlong is all grown up and having Internet sex, so it seems. Three Blind Mice looks to capitalize on the Internet-craze, but developing a story about a big bad corporation that is out to offer Internet snuff “live and direct”. Well, the techno-babble is not very satisfying, for someone to whom Internet porn takes on a very personal meaning. And, moreover, why can’t I find stuff this good on the Internet?? Well, this one went right to the 99-cent section of the video store, without ever having been seen on a big screen. It had potential, but I think if it were to move up to my “greatest hits” list, it would have needed more sex scenes and less “cleverness.”

Other than that, Dr. Grouchy has watched a lot of Oprah, and Dr. Phil (Ha! What kind of doctor is he? And, why doesn’t Dr. Grouchy have a TV show??) and he even caught a couple Disney movies. First, the kids rented Freaky Friday so he watched it over Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, since he happened to not be working. It was a fun movie, and Jamie Lee Curtis is looking good. Dr. Grouchy always liked her, and found her perky and the movie fun. I mean, we all know the plot, so we can just get on with watching those screwy girls living each other’s lives. You know, Dr. Grouchy sees a promising future for Lindsay Lohan. He even made a point of watching The Parent Trap last night because she was in it. I wonder whatever happened to her twin sister?

Well, that was my January. Now that my groin is feeling better, I expect I will make it to the theater to see some new movies in February. Heck, some of the ones I missed are at the cheap theater too, which is always good in Dr. Grouchy’s book.