Proof That God Masturbates

Wow! I am blown away. It appears that there have been some pretty convincing evidence that GOD EXISTS! Not only has GOD “created Man”, but he added creature comforts that you wouldn’t find in some Korean knock-off, or base model being.

In this clip, Kirk Cameron (that cute, stupid kid from “Growing Pains” in the 1980s) and his buddy, Rev. Ray Comfort prove conclusively that GOD masterbates. They discuss the “banana” fitting the human hand perfectly. Of course, you know they are really talking about the penis. The male member fits perfectly into the male (or female) fist (or other orifaces). The difference, which Rev. Ray alludes to, is that the banana is easy to eat, but it doesn’t explode in your face, while the penis does if operated properly. (I think that Rev. Ray’s last name is also proof that GOD wants you to enjoy life!!)

Since Man was created in the image of GOD, it is clear that GOD must have a really huge penis and he must enjoy getting off as much as a 14-year old with a girlie magazine and an extra-large bottle of Lubriderm. This makes one wonder, what magazine does GOD use to engorge his lordly banana? Maybe, “Hot Busty Female Deity Monthly?”

In addition to proving beyond a reasonable doubt that GOD wants you to “beat the bishop”, the God Squad has proven conclusively that Man and Ape are related. They both like bananas and penises. It also proves that Man is not related to Dogs, because Man cannot lick his own penis (except for some lucky dogs).

Kirk Cameron has done converted this van-living heathen. Proof is as clear as the “Crock-o-duck”. I’ve never seen one, so that MUST mean GOD exists. (Of course, I’ve never seen a Bigfoot either.) This also proves that Bill O’Reilly is really really smart. If he can’t “imagine” the Earth being created by natural processes, it must have been created by GOD in his planet factory.

Frankly, I’ve been so busy celebrating my new status as a “Born Again Masturbater” that I haven’t had time to even view these movies, but if they’re about bananas, they MUST be some good shit. You can watch them… I have a nut to bust. I think it is some kind of rebuttal or something, by some crazy Evolutionists.

Is’t thous stills’t a doubter of the great oscillating creator?? Here is further proof that GOD is the great creator. Other than “Cousin Eddie’s Peanut Butter I made with Nuts in my Trailer” – I have certainly never seen mice spontaneously created in a jar of peanut butter. Ergo, since peanut butter cannot spontaneously transmute into living organisms, we cannot have evolved from apes. I guess after GOD chokes his Galactic Chicken, he must follow it up with a PBJ sandwich. Yummy!

[One astute viewer points out that if peanut butter doesn’t have a moon, it must disprove the theory of gravity. Bravo! Fuck you, Newton!!]

Halleluja! I am convinced. This life is too hard, but I can screw it up because soon JESUS will come back and we will all stroke our bananas and have a big RAPTURE! Heaven must be one big ORGY followed up with peanut butter sandwiches. I’m sold!

ZOMG! I just made the connection:

Thank you Kirk Cameron. Thank you so much!! You have changed my life! I am going to rush home and build a shrine to Elvis, our LORD. It will be awesome, with candles and bananas and some little toy monkeys and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of KY jelly and a box of Kleenex tissues with Aloe. I will decorate it with many pictures of penises, which isn’t GAY at all, because it’s holy you fucking blasphemer!