Happy Birthday, Dirtball!

Hey, man, happy b-day!

What? You’re only 6009 years young? Good for you.

Just a suggestion, and I only say this as a friend, but you might want to cut back on the drinking and partying. You’re looking a lot older that it says on your driver’s license. You’ve got that male pattern balding going on up top, too.

Oh, sure. You’re probably right. It’s probably those pesky humans. Yep, greenhouse effect.

Well, that can’t account for ALL the aging. I mean, look at your sedimentary layers. You don’t just put that on overnight! You must have been packing it on for, say four and a half billion years? I’m just guessing. Your atmosphere is heavy in oxygen, you’ve developed continental drift and you’re pretty much infested with a diversity of life that is unheard of on such a young planet.

And, then there’s a matter of the fossil record. It suggests that all the creatures on the planet share very similar DNA, and came from common simple origins in the early oceans. That seems like a beautiful story. God created the Universe, and after about 9 billion years, you were born. Then life developed over another 4.5 billion years, as the fossil record and other evidence suggest. Beautiful, really beautiful.

Oh. That disagrees with what God told a guy to tell another guy, and so on, and eventually write in a book, that was later heavily edited and translated. And, faith is based on the literal details given in this book, not because people couldn’t understand more complicated explanations, but because it was the TRUTH and DIVINE. People need to believe, even in the absence of proof, or when the evidence is contradictory.

Ah. Of course, God made you that way to test the humans. I understand. So that someday, when they developed science and radioactive carbon dating they’d be fooled into thinking you were older than you are. I see. Was this so you could get into bars or something? Maybe hang out with the older planets?

No? It was so even scientists could get into heaven. Wow! That is really cool of God and all. If it weren’t for this kind of deception, then scientists would be eternally damned to keep retaking Freshman chemistry in purgatory for eternity. That would really suck. This gives scientists a choice, so they can choose faith over evidence. So, now everyone goes to heaven, right?

No, again? Well, what happens to everyone who can’t get past the facts and have faith in the literal interpretation of that book? Hell, right, of course. So, how many humans will actually get to see heaven? Twelve? Gee, that doesn’t seem fair. Why would a God capable of creating the Universe in all its glory, and who invented the laws of physics, then be sneaky to fool humans, which he (or she) created? Isn’t it hubris to think a divine being, who is omnipotent and omnipresent, would behave in a sneaky way like some flawed human? With hidden motives, vengeance and the vanity to punish those who don’t worship him and call him once a week?

Faith? You said that before. You’re repeating yourself. What do you mean, science is just a theory? What does that have to do with anything? Wait. You’re attacking me. What do you mean, I’m not being open minded? Look, I just asked a couple questions. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up. I think you’re quaking, dude. Get a grip.

Well, I’m going now. You have a good birthday. And, seriously, cut back on the drinking.