I have, of recent times, found myself to be questioning the origins of life, as well as the cosmic origins of the universe and pretty much everything. Thus, I sit cross-legged and ensconced in a shirt with the number “42” on the front before my Internet throne and wiki on a wet and gray Sunday in late November.
- Last Thursdayism [from the church website]
The Church of Last Thursday of Queen Maeve [ faq | wiki ]
The Fastest growing Church in the world! *Last Thursdayism is the belief that my cat, Queen Maeve, created the universe Last Thursday. There is a lot of evidence for Last Thursdayism (though I won’t mention most of it here). The best evidence is the finicky design of the universe and of the human species. The learned observer can obviously see that we were designed as a slave race for cats. Think about it, will you?
We’re all awaiting judgement day, Next Thursday, when Maeve will judge our souls based on our kindness towards cats of all kinds.
The duties of Church members are few. You have but to scratch the head of, rub the belly of, give a kitty treat to, etc a cat at least once a week. This is the minimum for salvation. Becoming a slave to a cat (often incorrectly refered to as “owning a cat”) is one of the best things you can do.
Those who are judged favorably by Maeve will be entered into paradise where they will become cats. Heathens become slaves to cats in paradise. Those who are cruel to cats will have their souls cast into the Eternal Litterbox where they will wander forever. The Eternal Litterbox is never cleaned.
It’s a wonderful belief system and I plan to have it introduced into the public schools. After all, why shouldn’t we have “equal time” with godless evolutionism, wacky creationism, and the Invisible Pink Unicorn? I’m working on a purriculum that includes bringing Queen Maeve into the classroom to answer questions (if she feels like it). This is something that cannot be done with those “other theories.”
- The Invisible Pink Unicorn
The church of The Invisible Pink Unicorn began to spread on the Internet, sometime around 1990. It is common when discussing the Invisible Pink Unicorn to point out that because she is invisible, no one can prove she does not exist.
“Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can’t see them.” –Steve Eley, IPU Chief Advocate and Spokesguy
The IPU has a fondness for raisin bread (which symbolizes the expanding universe). It is more or less agreed that she is partial to ham and pineapple pizza, although some vegetarians dissent, arguing that since IPU is vegetarian, it must be pineapple and mushrooms. Pineapple, anyway, is agreed upon, as is the fact that she despises pepperoni. Another point of agreement is that IPU “raptures” socks, which accounts for their otherwise inexplicable tendency to disappear. Socks raptured from your laundry are allegedly a “sign” of favor from IPU  or it could be disfavor, depending on who is asked, or perhaps upon which socks are raptured. Skeptics might suggest one seek a deeper understanding by looking under the washing machine’s agitator for “raptured” garments.
The antithesis of The IPU is the Purple Oyster (of Doom), or “PO(oD)”, who is said to have originally been one of the minions of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, but he was cast out of Her Pastures for the Great Evil of attempting to convince believers of the heretical notion that pepperoni and mushroom pizza is more pleasing to Her than the pineapple and ham. It is said that a Judgment Day will transpire, the Day of Oats and Hay, when the Purple Oyster (of Doom) will be reconciled with the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and return to Her service. [ wiki ]
“For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner, destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy Purple Oyster; Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet. For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and tempt them unto destruction.
— The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial), Chapter One, Verses 9 to 11”There is a similar religion based on The Invisible Green Dragon, which seems to have withered in recent years. I believe Carl Sagan had an “IGD” which breathed “heatless fire” living in his garage.
- Flying Spaghetti Monsterism [ link | wiki ]
I have discussed this religion before, and it seems to be one of the best developed on this list. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSM) was exposed to the public for the first time in 2005, in response to the Kansas Board of Education decision to allow Creationism into schools.
Beliefs of FSM:
- An invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees and a “midgit”. All evidence pointing towards evolution was intentionally planted by this being.
- Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s. A graph showing the inverse correlation between the pirates and global temperatures was also provided. This component of the theory highlights the logical fallacy of correlation implying causation.
- It is disrespectful to teach their beliefs without wearing “His” chosen outfit, full pirate regalia.
- The monster continues to guide human affairs with his “noodly appendage”.
- Prayers to “Him” are typically ended by “Ramen”, instead of “Amen”.
- Heaven has a stripper factory and a beer volcano.
- Bobby Henderson is the “prophet” of this religion.
- Every Friday is a religious holiday.
- The Church of Scientology [ wiki ]
- Intelligent Design [ wiki ]
- Here are some other Parody Religions and Mainstream Religions Intended to be Taken Seriously
This is certainly the most professional “Alternate Religion.” This religion was developed as an alternative to the “the conspiricy of the modern mental health profession.” It was developed by science-fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard, which also makes it one of the most developed and creative of the religions listed here. Let me give you some reasons why.
When you reach the very highest levels of the Scientology Cult Church, you are told the highly comical story of Xenu, a galactic tyrant who decided to thin out the galactic population by flying “hundreds of billions” to Earth in “space planes” that closely resembled DC-8 airlines. Xenu exterminated these frozen victims by placing them near active volcanoes some 75 million years ago. A good science-fiction writer knows that overkill only lends credibility to a story, so Hubbard claimed that Xenu also chose to destroy them with “hydrogen bombs”. He then brainwashed (Xenu, not Hubbard) the “Thetans” with movies about Jesus, and the Thetans got confused and thought they were people and somehow came to inhabit our (human) bodies. Given that there are only a few billion human beings, and there used to be many fewer, that comes out to possibly hundreds of misguided “Thetan” spirits inhabiting our bodies. There also seems to be a 75 million year gap between when Xenu first arrived on Earth (during the reign of the dinosaurs) and the time of humans (and Jesus). Perhaps he amused himself by flying around in one of the hundred million spaceships he used to transport all those frozen Thetan-sicles. Maybe XENU is the so-called “creator” referred to in the “Intelligent Design Religion” – but, I digress.
So, a pretty exciting religion. Plus, there is a chance if I donate enough money, I’ll get to meet marginal actors like Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley on a cruise where I can learn about the many past lives of L. Ron Hubbard, and other Scientologists who recall having love affairs with robots, being an intergalactic walrus that fell out of a space pick-up and even a happy being who lived on the planet Nostral 23 billion years ago (about 9 billion years BEFORE the Big Bang.) So, despite some people calling Scientology a cult or a scam, or a big-old tax evasion scheme, I am sure there are some cool movie nights and gatherings with Kool-Aid on some mountaintop where we can wait for the DC-8s filled with awesome aliens to land so Travolta can fly us to play with the walruses on the Moon!
This religion asserts that the “Universe” is filled with complicated “Things”, and because the Intelligent Design (ID) priests cannot understand the hard science classes, like biology and geology, they cannot understand how simple things can eventually become complex things. The solution ended up being a magical supernatural being.
This is a simple religion to understand, despite the fact that the ID priests continue to call it “science”. Basically, you think really hard of a rational reason that you can understand in simple terms, and then you explain it very slowly to a bunch of people who have already made up their mind that the Earth is 5000 years old, created in exactly seven 24-hour days by a large white man with a big beard, who later flooded the planet, forcing another smaller bearded man to load up a large boat with two of every species on the planet. (Why the large bearded guy couldn’t just recreate all the animals after the flood with a snap or his large fingers, is beside the point. Likewise, it is not fair to ask how a planet filled with a hundred million different species can all fit on a boat, including dinosaurs ridden by cavemen.) This religion is often seen as a pseudo-science extension of fundamental Christianity, supported by people who interpret the bible literally and call down a rain of frogs on anyone who questions their rationale. Facts get in the way of people who have already made up their minds that the Earth is flat.
These people are not nearly as fun as the Scientologists, and their science-fiction is all fire and brimstone, with none of the fancy aliens in space-airplanes.
I am still at a loss. All of these religions have so many “positive” qualities that I just can’t choose between them. I think I am going to consider starting my own religion, “Grouchyism.” In the meantime, I will turn on reruns of Star Trek (the original series), put on my velour shirt, and order Domino’s Pizza while I worship at the alter of Shatner.
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