The good doctor has been spending all his time scouring the Internet for News. He’s found lots of junks about “Martian Brain Surgery” and “The War on Terrorism” and “Those Wacky Democrats”, and, of course, kidnappings, natural disasters and “The Oscars”… But, the only important news story in America is: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show.
Dr. Grouchy feels there should be a greater sensitivity regarding the nipple-incident. Truly, this can be an awakening in America! Let’s if we can all try to be more boob-conscious, as we rebuild and recover from this Shock and Awe! As you sit at Hooters waiting to be served, take a moment to work some of these catchy phrases into your conversation with your trucker buddies:
- “Is it cold in here, or is our waitress pointing at you?”
- “I was so taken with that Super Bowl Half-Time show, that I’ve decided to start an “All Breast Feeding” Diet.”
- “Did you catch that “Jack-Rack” last weekend?”
- “I hear Michael Jackson is going to use the “Wardrobe Malfunction” defense in his child molestation case.”
- “Did you hear? Janet Jackson is going to star in RoboCop V, and the whole thing was a publicity stunt!”
- “Did you enjoy the Super Bowl?” “No. It was a big bust.” “Hey… I found it titilating!”
- “Did you hear? Janet Jackson released a single last weekend!”
- “I guess there are two teat-o’s in the Jackson family now!”
- “This is nothing new. Michael started baring his breasts in the 80s.”
- “For some strange reason, I’ve been thinking of taking a vacation to Lake Titicaca.”
- “I heard it was a public service announcement for Breast Cancer gone terribly awry.”
- “I’ve just been glued to the Boob-Tube lately.”
- “It was the breast of times, it was the wurst of times.”
- “Miss Jackson’s banned from the Grammies. They don’t want it to turn into the Mammies. I guess they’ll have to find another nip-hop star to fill in.”
- “Is it true? Janet Jackson’s mom is doing a cameo on ER?”
- “It was just to distract the viewers from Kid Rock wearing a flag as a pancho!”
- Random words to work in: “Fleshdance” “You boob!” “Tit-mouse” “keeping abreast of the situation” “Tit for Tat” “Glandiron (© Dr. Grouchy)”
Let’s leave it at that. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the Tip of the Iceburg… but, I feel I have a responsibility to keep you, the public, exposed to the really important news. That’s right, News about Celebrities! Not silly stuff about Weapons of Breast Mass Destruction… or Elections… or Cool Pictures from Mars! Nope. Celebrities. I gots me priorities right, fo’ shizzle. Give me Martha Stewart and the Jack Pack any day of the week, and keep yo’ boring ol’ News! That’s why you come to Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D. – for the 411 on what matters. Manufacured stories about celebrities, targeted to pander to your immediate need for gossip and hype! Y’All come back now, y’hear!
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